California Bob Writes Again

Transcript from this morning's "LIVE CHAT" with an AT&T internet rep. Just think, if I were employed, I wouldn't get to do this stuff:

AT&T product specialists are happy to assist you with your questions. Click below to begin your live text chat.

Welcome to AT&T. My name is Jack. How may I help you today?
Jack: I will be happy to answer your questions regarding AT&T services. I specialize in setting up new phone accounts and High Speed Internet service.
Jack: Hello! How may I assist you?
you: Interested in Pro DSL for $30 a month with no term commitment and $50 cash back. How do I order?
Jack: That's a great choice!
Jack: Please Select the Pro plan according to your needs during the order process, add that to your cart, and proceed with your order process.
you: OK, I choose "check availability" -- it is available;
you: then I choose "new customer-DSL Only" --
Jack: Yes, that is correct.
you: under "month to month" it offers only "High Speed Internet Direct Express" for $35 -- I don't see my offer available.
Jack: Do you currently have local service with AT&T?
you: no.
Jack: As per current online promotions the best online prices and promotions are only available when you order both AT&T Internet and Phone Services or if you currently have AT&T Phone Services.
Jack: Are you interested in setting up basic local phone service with AT&T to qualify for our online offers and promotions?
you: “FREE wireless gateway or modem after rebate $50 Cash Back when you order online No term commitment required AT&T Basic Wi-Fi included at thousands of hotspots, including U.S. company-operated Starbucks locations equipped with a hotspot.* Includes AT&T Internet Security Suite – powered by McAfee”
you: Doesn't say anything about "for existing customers only"
Jack: That is for the new customers as well who is placing the order for Internet with Phone as well.
you: It doesn't say that anywhere that I can see, but OK. Let me surf your site a little more and see if there's anything else that's sounds interesting; I can then contact you again and ask about all the restrictions and disclaimers.
Jack: AT&T Basic phone service (Measure rate plan) will cost you around $7.28 a month.
Jack: If you go with the Phone + Pro then the Pro will cost you $30/ month & you will get $50 cash back.
you: What is the contract term length?
Jack: There is no contract with AT&T service so you can move/cancel your services at any point of time.
you: What are the set-up fees and charges?
Jack: There is no set up fees.
you: Is there any equipment (modem) to rent and what are the charges for that?
Jack: You will get free Modem/Wireless gateway.
Jack: I can offer additional $75 cash back for ordering Pro with the Home phone plan from my department, if you place an online order with me today.
you: If I choose to cancel, what are the charges/surcharges to cancel?
Jack: There is no cancellation charges.
Jack: That means if you order with me you will get $125 cash back.
Jack: How does that sound to you?
you: So to recap: $7.28/mo. for the phone service, and $30/mo. for the Pro DSL internet service, and I get $125 cash back?
Jack: Yes, you are right.
Jack: You will get check that you can cash it through the bank.
Jack: Click here & get started with your online order.
Jack: Are you able to proceed with the online order?
you: i'm working through the pages...
you: ... got measured rate...
you: ...directories, something about long distance and tolls.....
you: “Because you did not choose AT&T Long Distance as your long distance and/or local toll provider, the money saving bundles are not available. If you would like to order a bundle plan, please return to the Select Long Distance and Local Toll providers page and change your long distance and your local toll provider to AT&T. “
Jack: Yes, please select, AT&T as local and long distance toll provider and then 'Stand Alone Products'. By doing so you would be able to select 'Pro plan'.
you: (*&^% -- now I have to read up on the costs for ATT LD and toll service calls, whatever those are...give me an hour...
Jack: You would need to select AT&T as your local and long distance toll provider. There is no additional charge for that.
you: Sure you say that now...then when my bill comes, it'll be all, "Oh, special surcharges for long distance setup and conversion,
you: FCC mandated tax burdens...
you: give me a sec.
Jack: There are no hidden charges. AT&T believes in transparent business with their customers.
you: I can see they believe in transparency, that is evident from all the special restrictions and conditions.
you: Must be frustrating working for an outfit like that.

you: Jack? Are you there?

Jack: To offer you that additional cash back I would need your order confirmation number.

Jack: Have you been able to find everything that you have been looking for?
you: working on it.
you: bunch of phone options..."call forwarding," etc. Does anybody really buy this junk?
you: "priority ringing" -- PLEASE....
Jack: Please select "NOT AT THIS TIME" option & proceed.
you: OK, free modem after rebate -- any estimate on the tax and S/H charges for this modem?
Jack: There is a one time charge for shipping & handling that is $12.95
you: thx.
Jack: Once you hit the Check Out Button let me know.
you: OK, I have my summary page with $37.28 recurring monthly charges -- any promotion code I should enter?
Jack: There is no need to enter any code during the order process to get the online promotions.
you: C'mon, give me a promotion code...
you: ...be a sport...
you: ...all this time we've spent together...
Jack: Please try not to stay on a page for too long, as it may result in a timeout session.
you: I'm sorry, my conditions stipulate that I need a 30% discount to sign up for internet service.
you: I have a very nice internet company from New Jersey who is VERY interested in having me as a customer...
you: no pressure...
Jack: I assure you that if you are ordering both the services with me now, you will get great promotions.
you: what is this "install date?" Do I care, if I am doing a self-install?
Jack: Click on "Yes" and proceed. Please do not change the activation date to avoid getting an error on the order page.

Jack: As you proceed, You need to fill in all the information asked in asterisk mark (*) and continue.
you: the asterisks are the least of my problems.
you: Order Number: KYH3FCG.
Jack: One moment please.
Jack: Thank you for the information.
Jack: In about 6 weeks, the extra cash back that I gave you will display at the AT&T Reward Center. At that time, please redeem by going to http://rewardcenter.att.com . Enter your Home Telephone Number, check the Residential box, hit continue, then follow the onscreen instructions.
Jack: You will get check that you can cash it through the bank.
Jack: How was your chat experience with us today?

you: Frustrating, existential, yet amusingly alienating.