Plumbing

Kohler Elliston Faucet

I don't know whether to be disappointed with how miserable this whole business of plumbing is, or whether to be impressed with how well it all works. Our kitchen faucet has been leaking for a couple of weeks. If you turn the handle just so, it stops, but that's a nuisance, and so is the dripping. It's basically a valve, and when it's off it should be off, not sort of off, or mostly off, except for just this little, tiny insignificant leak. Bah, double bah and humbug.

Delta ball valve

So Friday afternoon I set about fixing it. It shouldn't be a big deal, all I need to do it remove the handle, unscrew the  top ring, lift out the ball and replace the two little seals that actually do the sealing. I've worked on this faucet before, and in fact I have a complete new faucet that Delta sent me the last time I ran into trouble, so I shouldn't even need to run to the store. Hah, fat chance.

The handle is held in place with a set screw. I locate the correct Allen wrench and, grunt, it won't move. I apply an adjustable wrench to the Allen wrench to get more leverage, and the screw breaks loose, which is good, and it starts to turn, which is also good, but after a bit it becomes apparent that it is not unscrewing. It is just going around. Now, technically, one shouldn't need to completely remove the screw from the handle, loosening it a couple of turns should do the job.

Delta ball valve

But as I recall, the pin that the handle mounts to has a flat spot milled into it, and if you don't unscrew the set screw far enough it will impact the end of the pin that has not been milled flat and the handle won't come off. Simple solution is to simple remove the screw completely, that way you know that the screw is not going to interfere with the removal of the handle. Except the blamed thing won't come out. It just goes round and round. I suspect that what happened when I applied the adjustable wrench to the end of the Allen wrench is that the screw just ripped the threads loose from the body of diecast handle.  Well, poop. Maybe the screw is loose enough that we can pull the handle off. No, that is not the case. Applying a hook end of a crow bar with extreme prejudice produces no change in the status quo. The handle stays in place.

Well, like I said, I have another complete, brand new faucet. Replacing the faucet will be a pain, but cost free, and since it is the same make and model, it should be relatively problem free. Hah, double hah, and triple humbug.

Business end of Delta faucet showing evil, gray plastic plug.

I manage to get the faucet replaced without too much difficulty, but when I go to hook up the water lines I discover that there is a little gray, plastic plug in one of the lines. Why I didn't notice this before is one of those questions for the ages. In any case, it shouldn't be a big deal, it should just pop out. Except it won't, and none of my exhortations or conniving or cursing persuades it to move. Nothing for it but to pull the faucet back out and then when I have it lying on the bench I am able to apply my trusty Sears Craftsman Channellock, er, sorry, "arc joint", pliers and pry this evil spawn of the devil from its chosen abode and cast it into the abyss.

Reinstall the faucet and assemble the ball valve at the top, which for some reason was not assembled.  Put it together and turn on the water and the ball valve is leaking, not out of the faucet, but out of the top where no water should ever appear. Bah, bah blacksheep, have you any wool? Yes sir, I do, but it's all water logged.

I fiddled and fussed, but Saturday morning I finally decided I needed some new parts so I head down to Lowe's, but I can't get there. Someone has effed up on the road and traffic is massively snarled. I end up going to Freddie's and buying an off-brand seal replacement kit for $5, but by the time I've gotten home, I've written off trying to fix this faucet and decide to make another attempt to get to Lowe's and this time I buy a new, different faucet.

Well, of course it's different. We've had the Delta faucet for untold years. The last time I had a problem with it was nine ((9!) years ago. While it used to be you had a choice of maybe two or three faucets, there are now dozens, and since they are now fashion items (the plumbing department at Lowe's is called Fashion Bath), there are new models every year. I look over the selection and there are several models of several different makes. I need one that will mount in a single hole, so that eliminates the cheapest faucets. I want one with a chrome finish. I think our original faucet was white, and if you get something with an odd-ball (i.e. not chrome) finish, and something breaks you are going to have a hard time getting a part to match. This eliminates the most expensive models, which have some kind of brushed metallic finish. Besides, chrome goes with anything. So now I'm looking at the middle tier and there are several brands. Whether it's my own experience or the relentless advertising, the only ones I am comfortable with are Kohler and Delta, and I've just spent a bunch of time fighting with my Delta faucet, so let's get something different. It might not be any easier to work with, but it will at least be different, so to keep myself amused, I get the Kohler.

Steampunk Squid

When I open the box it is immediately obvious that the Kohler is different. Instead of short copper pipes protruding from the bottom like the Delta, there are a trio of long, black plastic hoses. Makes me think 'steampunk squid'. Both faucets are secured to the counter and sink by a brass nut that threads onto a big brass screw. Delta has threaded one of the three pipes emanating from the faucet. Kohler has threaded a big brass tube that encloses all three of the water tubes. In both cases the screw is about six inches longer than it needs to be (for my kitchen, maybe there are other counters where you need the longer screw) which means you get to spend a minute or so screwing the nut onto the shaft.

Master Plumber Ed Del Grande installs a Kohler kitchen faucet

The Kohler has a couple of screws that go through the ring (nut, photo above) that are to be tightened after you have the ring all the way up. This would not be a problem except that the screws turn easily in their holes, so easily that while I am spinning the ring up the big brass tube, one of the screws unscrews itself and falls out. Well, poop, that's annoying, but I should be able to screw the screw back into it's hole, except I can't. I am lying on my back under the sink and the ring is an arm's length away and I cannot get the screw lined up. I can get it started, but it is quickly apparent that it is not properly aligned and is now jammed. No help for it but to unscrew the ring so I can get it to a place where I can see what is happening. More fussing and fiddling but I get it done.

All that's left now is to connect the supply lines. The Kohler lines are equipped with fittings that connect directly to the shut off valves, so I need to remove the old supply lines, which is just as well as the hot water line was too short to connect to the new Delta and would have to have been replaced.  One of the shut off valves is leaking and I am thinking that once I make the connection it might still be leaking, but at least it will quit dripping, so I put a little more force on the wrench and it twists the tube, which crumples. Loosen it back a bit, put my channellocks on the ferrel and tighten it again. No help, the valve is still dripping. Now I realize that the valve is leaking around the stem, and not just through the valve seal. So over tightening the hose fitting was probably not a good idea. Let's hope I didn't do any permanent damage.

Keeney Shutoff Valve

The shutoff valves require a dozen or so turns to open or close. New ones are ball valves and only require a quarter turn. Replacing the shutoff valve requires turning off the water to the house. The valve to do that is twelve feet into a crawl space. I've been thinking about making an access hole in the wall so I could just reach in from the basement and turn it and since this is now day two I resolve to do something about it. I pick up an access panel from Lowe's, use an ice pick to mark the location from inside the crawl space, and then cut a hole in the drywall to mount the access door. Worked well, especially since the hole ended up being adjacent to massive storage shelves and not behind them.

Houses really should be designed that the plumbing connections are accessible from behind sinks instead of underneath, that way ordinary people could work on them. This might put a few plumbers out of work, but how many would it save from crippling injuries? The only people who should be doing this kind of work though are kids, who are flexible. Teenagers could probably handle it okay, it would be easy enough for grade school school kids and a piece of cake for babies. That's the ticket, plumbing companies need to make their fixtures so easy to install that babies could install them.

I got annoyed with the problems I was having on day one, so I cracked open a bottle of wine. Normally I will have a couple of glasses during happy hour, but by the time I had given up fighting with the faucet for the night I had finished the entire bottle. Usually when I exert myself on a strenuous mechanical repair project I will be sore and achy the next day. Did not happen this time. Oh, I had a bit of a hangover, but not debilitating, after all I was able to get the faucet installed, connected and working.

Oh yes, Delta has a lifetime warranty, and if I hopped on this problem when it first appeared, Delta would no doubt have sent me the replacement parts, no charge. But the problem is a couple of weeks old and it's time to fix it and $200 for a new faucet is cheap compared to the 500 or $1,000 that a plumber would charge.